Let nothing you dismay:
For Frodo took the Ruling Ring
Though he knew not the way;
To save us all from Sauron's power
He cast it quite away,
O tidings of comfort and joy,
(Middle-earth's saved),
O tidings of comfort and joy.
From Minas T. by way of Bree
Mithrandir riding came,
And unto Elrond's Council
Brought tidings of the same;
The Ring that Bilbo claimed he'd won
From Gollum in some game
Was the One that brings nor comfort nor joy
(Just death and despair),
Was the One that brings nor comfort nor joy.
"O woe is me", Lord Elrond cried,
As darkness filled the room,
(Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul
Had plunged them all in gloom);
"A Fellowship must take the thing
And chuck it in Mount Doom;
Hardly tidings of comfort or joy
(Still, off you all go,)
Hardly tidings of comfort or joy."
So led by Strider they went South
That fateful Yuletide day;
The Hobbits very seldom lunched
And shivered all the way;
And only Bill the Pony munched
Contentedly on hay;
O tidings of comfort and joy
(If only for Bill)
O tidings of comfort and joy.
They came to frozen Caradhras
The Dimrill Stair to find,
But could not take the Redhorn Pass
Through tempest, storm and wind;
Still, Legolas could walk on snow
And cold he did not mind;
Minor tidings of comfort and joy
(Or just a smug git)
Minor tidings of comfort and joy.
The rivalry twixt Elf and Dwarf
Did drive their comrades mad;
For Dwarf thought Elf too full of self
And Elf found Gimli sad;
At last in fair Lothlórien
A truce of sorts was had;
O tidings of comfort and joy
(Thank goodness for that...)
O tidings of comfort and joy.
At Parth Galen they got split up,
"Quick, Merry!" Pip did cry;
"We're going to have to run like fun,
Leave Boromir to die;
Oh no! We're being kidnapped by
Those filthy Uruk-hai!
Not tidings of comfort or joy
(I want to go home)
Not tidings of comfort or joy."
"Fear not!" the Ent called Treebeard cried,
"Hoom, hom! We'll put things right;
The Ents will march to Isengard
And give the Orcs a fright;
Just watch us deal with Saruman,
That smarmy wizard white!"
O tidings of comfort and joy
(And even hoom, hom)
O tidings of comfort and joy.
The Men of Rohan hot pursued
To Helm's Deep riding came,
And found both Elf and Dwarf engaged
In quite a gory game;
Cried Legolas, "Two dozen severed
Orc-heads to my name!
O tidings of comfort and joy
(I'll beat that Dwarf yet,)
O tidings of comfort and joy!"
The ageing Steward, Denethor,
Was mourning Boromir,
And sad to find, had lost his mind
From too much Palantír;
So went and barbecued himself
And nearly Faramir.
Still, tidings of comfort and joy
(Faramir's saved);
Still, tidings of comfort and joy.
They'd won the Field of Pelennor
And yet there was no rest;
For to the Black Gate straight did ride
The Captains of the West;
They must distract the Lidless Eye
From its unwanted guest.
No tidings of comfort or joy
(They're all gonna die);
No tidings of comfort or joy.
But to the One sing praises,
For Sam and Frodo they
Just made it to the Cracks of Doom
And threw the Ring away;
Remember though 'twas Gollum who
Did truly save the day!
O tidings of comfort and joy
(And nine fingers left)
O tidings of comfort and joy!