So I spent most of this Age sulking. Well, sulking and shaking my head at the idiocy of certain others who are now nancing around, calling themselves the “Dark Lord.” Dark Lord indeed – if by dark you mean dim and by lord you mean witted. It seems I was wrong. Sauron was stupid enough to put all his power into a piece of jewelry. And then, if that wasn’t bad enough, he started giving out rings to elves, dwarves and men, trying to buy peoples’ friendship. He is honestly a disgrace to evildoers everywhere.
I managed to get out of my funk after Sauron, finally managing to do something right, convinced the Númenoreans to sail against the Valar, bringing about the downfall of their little island. I also found out that the Valar did NOT give the Simarils back to you-know-who, as I had originally suspected. I got some satisfaction out of that; at least if I didn’t have them, he didn’t either.
It was also around that time that I grudgingly came to admit that it’s not all bad here in the Void. I’ve been stealing cable for an age and there is nobody here to stop me. I saw a wonderful movie called The Last Unicorn. The Red Bull brought a tear to my eye – it reminded me of Gothmog – I miss that rascal. But it gave me the greatest idea – this similarity between this world and the movie – what if people from the Movie World ended up in the Real World. I wasn’t inspired to write this about The Last Unicorn, but there is this cute little flick Star Wars that was just begging to come into the Real World. Plus, Sauron, in all his infinite wisdom, has decided to launch yet another attack on Gondor and we all know how well the last one worked out. I don’t want to watch so I’m writing down more story ideas.
Go ahead and try to sue me, you deranged Noldorin psychopath. I have nothing. Besides, I have better elves to write about now!
Ring Wars
by Morgoth Bauglir
There was a beautiful princess named Leia who needed to marry a prince. She fell in love with a pirate, but that would not do, even though he was ruggedly handsome. She made a wish one night that she would fall out of love with Han and fall in love with a prince, she didn’t care who.
In the second chapter, we meet Elrond, a stuffy half-elf, and his friend Thranduil, prince of Greenwood, who is only slightly less psychotic than the-elf-who-shall-not-be-named-due-to-legal-reasons. Thranduil is visiting Elrond in his Homely Home, or whatever asinine name he is calling it these days, when a strange but beautiful girl named Leia appears with her white-haired friend, Winter. Thranduil takes one look at Leia and falls madly in love, but Leia can only fall in love with a prince. She doesn’t tell him this, so he never tells her he the prince of Greenwood.
Meanwhile, Han and Chewbacca, following the trail of the princess, end up in Sauron’s pit of vile, Mordor. Sauron falls madly in love with Chewie, tries to make a move on him, and gets horribly mauled and disfigured, eventually dying from the wounds. Nobody cares, or even really notices, not even the orcs.
Back in Homely Home, Leia is fighting her feelings for Thranduil, who has taken to writing bad love poetry. Then Leia has a dream about an elf with a fiery spirit and a bad temper and realizes he is a prince, and goes off to find him. Little did she know, the dream was of an elf who was DEAD and LONG FORGOTTEN. And even though he was a prince at one time, he lost his prince-ness because of his numerous psychotic episodes.
Anyway, Thranduil goes with Leia to protect her and try to win her over. They stop at an elf village and both drink too much. (A/N: Not my brew, but it suffices). All the tension in the air is very apparent and angst-y. Eventually, after enough drinking, they have a wild, torrid affair that will bring the rating of the story up to at least R, if not NC-17. The next morning she tells him she’s sorry but it was a mistake and she can’t be with him, even though he is the most beautiful elf she has ever laid eyes on, with his stunningly piercing blue-grey eyes and his flowing flaxen hair that must be so very soft to run your fingers through as you…
Ahem. Leia was telling him that although the night before was amazing, and his whip cord strength beneath tight lean muscles drives her insane. The way his eyes flash while they…
(A/N: I’ll have to work those parts out a bit later.) They move on, Leia never telling him that the reason she can’t be with him is that she needs to marry a prince since she is a princess. Thranduil is upset and goes back to Greenwood. Leia realizes that she’s in love with him once he’s gone, but doesn’t know where he lives, so she goes back to find Elrond. Elrond tells her that Thranduil is a prince, and she goes to Greenwood, where they get married.
Han ends up with Galadriel, after killing that sissy Celeborn. Chewie is emotionally scarred from his run-in with Sauron (A/N: Who wouldn’t be?) and chooses to remain single. Winter stays on at Homely Home with Elrond where they have five children.